First Date Etiquette: How to Get From Dinner and a Movie to Til Death Do Us Part
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So naturally we struggle to reply to money-related comments. Be honest. Your friend pries for specific information about your finances. Tell her that as much as you trust her, you have a policy of keeping such information private so as not to cause friction in your relationships.
Your friend overshares about her debts or money troubles. Q: I am a high school teacher who is expected to sponsor extra-curricular clubs and attend after-school functions—though this is not part of my job. But many of my colleagues opt out of such responsibilities because they have kids at home. How can I nicely set some limits? Since these activities are not required according to the terms of your employment, he ought to let you off the hook. How should I handle people who criticize my lifestyle choices? The PTA meeting had just broken up.
I groaned about this in a lighthearted way, but not everyone was amused. I was mortified—and speechless. And for years that unsolicited criticism riled me. Perhaps your vegetarian diet has been mocked by your red-meat—loving brother. Chances are, you wish people would just mind their own business. Me too. Alas, not everyone will keep her opinions about your parenting, your spending, or any of your other choices to herself. Hard as it can be, the way to cope with the incoming slings and arrows is, first, to take a deep, cleansing breath and sympathize with the person doing the criticizing, because remember: Many busybodies are trying to help.
Next, as you breathe out, remind yourself that it is nice on some level that people care about what you do with your life. By now you should be feeling calm enough to reply to the criticism in a polite, even-tempered way. Explain that briefly—three sentences, tops—to your carnivorous sibling. If you want to spend your money on a pricey bag and have chosen to accept the financial consequences of that action, say so.
Add that your decision is not up for a vote. Finally, to anyone who expresses concern about the welfare of your kid, show her the best evidence of your stellar parenting choices: your brilliant, capable child herself. My best friend is very serious about writing screenplays. Recently he gave me his first real script and asked me for feedback. How do I speak to him about it honestly without seeming like an awful friend?
New York City A. Start by pleading ignorance as a layperson without expertise in this area. You might want to ask additional readers to give you feedback. My husband and I have been married for about two years, and people constantly ask us when we are going to start a family. This question stirs up a lot of emotions for me: I suffered through a miscarriage and have had a hard time getting pregnant again. What should I say? And the folks asking this question would feel just as sorry if they knew the details of your situation.
Remember: They have no idea that they are causing you pain. From their perspective, they see a couple starting out on a lovely journey through life together. Train them, nicely, to be more careful about what they say to young marrieds like you. For the past year, my friend has been complaining again and again to me about the same issue.
She has never heeded any of my advice, leading me to feel drained whenever she brings up the topic. How should I respond the next time she starts griping? Riverside, California A. Your friend is not really looking for your advice. After patiently listening to her vent and offering solutions for a year, you have more than fulfilled the duty of friendship. Noisy is a subjective word. People generally have a right to do as they wish at home—to mow their lawns, to practice piano, or to have friends over for a barbecue.
Ask your spouse or a levelheaded friend for a second opinion. However, if the clamor is excessive or happens at inappropriate hours say, the leaf blowing starts at dawn , you can and should take action.
To figure out how, answer this question: What kind of people are your neighbors? Are they cheerful sorts who socialize at the block party? Or are they standoffish—even hostile? If you consider these folks to be good neighbors, chances are the noise is unintended. Sorry to intrude, but could you turn down the music a little? By the way, I love your new deck chairs!
But they still deserve the benefit of the doubt. First, approach them face-to-face with a polite request to pipe down.
No, you are not ‘running late’, you are rude and selfish
Ideally, things will quiet down. Case in point: A couple recently moved in next door to my brother- and sister-in-law. Turns out, the new neighbors were often loudly amorous. Please let us know if the kids get too noisy. How can I address this situation? Lies are deliberate misstatements. Gauge her response. If she seems unsure or unsteady, your next conversation should be with your supervisor or someone in human resources who can put your colleague in touch with a health professional.
And if it seems that she is purposely lying? Your forthright and direct approach should put her on notice to knock it off. How should I reply? Vancouver, British Columbia A. First let me say, what a lovely time for you! I hope you enjoy every minute. I fondly remember when my girls were tiny, and I have to say my only regret is not realizing how fleeting that time would be. Furthermore, anyone who passes a negative comment or who appears to be judging you is probably insecure about her own life choices.
The next time someone broaches the topic, face her head-on. I wish every parent could have the same wonderful opportunity. Think back to fifth grade, when Jennifer Green told your crush that you liked him. It felt mortifying, right? You wanted to crawl under a rock. And Jennifer Green was from then on barred from your sleepover parties.
I have a friend who likes to make soup. Her soup is OK. But mine is great. I believe she went so far as to cross her heart, playground-style. I leaned in. I looked over my shoulder to make sure no soup-loving spies were lurking in the vicinity. Nine times out of 10, whether a secret is insignificant or life-altering, you should keep it to yourself.
The exceptions? If the secret involves a major ethical breach or could truly cause harm to someone. Your cubicle-mate admits to you that she lied on her expense reports. For one thing, her actions could hurt the company. Plus, you risk guilt by association if it comes out later that you knew all along. I realize this may make for a terribly awkward conversation, but you need to let her know that the manager will be informed of this wrongdoing—by her or by you.
You may be endangering yourself or others if you drink and drive. Either you open up to your family or I will have to tell them the truth. My cousin, who lives one state away, is a terrible hostess. Of course, you are under no obligation to put up with it, either. Why not simply stay with a friend, if you have one nearby, or in a hotel?
I want to see you, but without creating so much hassle. Recently my friend found a great babysitter. I need someone to watch my kid occasionally. To my surprise, she refused, saying I should find my own child care. I feel offended. Am I overreacting? Clear the air. Have I done something to offend you?
And if the answer is no? You can remain cordial with her, but realize that she may not be a truly loyal friend. I would like to invite my daughter to have dinner with me—alone, without her husband. How do I make the request without hurting his feelings? Name withheld upon request A. Your son-in-law sounds like a rare bird. Many a man would be grateful for the opportunity to bow out of a dinner with his in-law. So I'm going to assume that your daughter's husband is a more sensitive sort.
OK, that's fine. But, even still, his feelings shouldn't be bruised just because you wish to spend time one-on-one with your daughter. Probably, you can simply be honest. The next time you see your daughter, explain, "It's nothing personal, but sometimes I love to hang out with only you. Life is so busy that a one-on-one evening feels like a delicious luxury. If you're still worried that he'll feel excluded, suggest that you and your child break bread on a night when he's not available—when he is out of town on business or has a guys' night with pals scheduled.
That way, he'll be occupied with his own activities, making it much less likely that his feathers get ruffled. This is something that a certain man should have considered when he took me out on our first date. It was We were just getting acquainted over dinner. I was telling him about my aunt who lives in Massachusetts, when he interrupted. Reader, I married him anyway. But I never forgot being corrected—and your pal or loved one might not, either.
So before you fact-check someone, consider the stakes. How important is it that this error be addressed? In general, when the mistake is of little consequence and speaking up will cause embarrassment, I suggest you keep quiet. So your girlfriend Jessica will continue to think expresso is the name of a popular Italian beverage. However, if the error could cause a real problem, gently offer a fix.
Say someone gives incorrect driving directions in your presence. For example, if you believe that a grammatical foible will prevent your friend, Mrs. Malaprop, from landing a new job or an important client, offer your assistance. Likewise, speak up if it would be irresponsible to withhold a correction. Case in point: If one friend offers bogus health advice to another, chime in. Have you already done that? Greensboro, North Carolina A. But take a moment to ask yourself why she wants to know. Is she just nosy? Or is she fretting that you and your boyfriend spend more than you can afford?
Her questions might be grounded in legitimate worry. We understand that managing our budget is our responsibility, not yours. When your in-laws fail to acknowledge you, a terrible message is sent: While your husband is a beloved part of the family, you are an outsider. But neglecting their grandson is even more mean-spirited. If this keeps up, there is no way you can avoid feeling upset or angry—not just toward your thoughtless in-laws but also toward your husband for being passive about their rude behavior. As a result, he is totally inactive and sits in the house all day playing video games.
Is there anything I can say or do without overstepping boundaries or compromising my relationship with my mom? Angela Todd Ozark, Missouri A. For starters, get your brother out of the house. Engage him in a relatively risk-free activity that involves a sweating and b no screens whatsoever. Can you work with me to make sure he gets enough of it?
How can I ask a stranger who is talking loudly in public to be quieter without causing awkward tension? People are allowed to talk to each other and on cell phones in public, and everyone has a different idea of what constitutes loud. If the clamor bothers you, use headphones to listen to music or an audiobook. During my dentist appointment, I heard a technician use racial epithets. Should I tell my dentist? Let it slide? Or just stop going to the practice? It made me very uncomfortable. Racial slurs are unacceptable, in any context. So before you book your next appointment, address the situation head-on.
Call and ask to speak to the dentist. It was very disturbing. Can you please let your staff know that they should not use that sort of language? My adult brother passed away two years ago after a long illness. What is the proper reply? They are merely attempting to make conversation. So the best answer is a simple one that deflects further questioning on a sensitive topic. But by avoiding giving details, you discourage additional inquisitiveness. How can I nicely say no to requests for my time or money?
I thought of myself as the sort of person who helps others whenever possible—who volunteers at the school, gives job advice to college students, and makes dinner for the couple with the new baby. As a result, I was totally stressed. The madness ended only when I glanced in a mirror and saw the reflection of a woman with wild eyes and what looked like a mop of electrocuted cowlicks. At that moment, I realized that saying yes-yes-yes was creating big problems even worse than bad hair.
I was tired. I was cutting corners. And I was beginning to resent the people I was supposed to be helping. To start saying no, I had to get past the emotional reasons—the fear of seeming rude, the desire to be a team player, guilt—that had compelled me to say yes. Then I developed an arsenal of things to say when I wished to decline, no matter who was doing the asking.
But you can count on me to donate a batch of cupcakes! Entrusting your plants to me is ensuring a certain fate. I love you too much to let you fill up on sugar instead of the balanced diet that will enable you to grow up strong and healthy. How do I nicely ask the man in the apartment next to mine to stop smoking on his terrace?
The smoke comes into my apartment and makes me miserable. Obviously, this fellow has a right to smoke on his own property. On the other hand, you are neighbors, and the neighborly thing to do is compromise. So talk to him in a cordial way that indicates you respect his rights. And you should be allowed to smoke.
- Sonatina No. 1 in C Major, Op. 163, No. 7;
- Dating While Widowed: How Soon Is Too Soon?.
- Ruby Bakes a Cake (I Can Read! / Ruby Raccoon).
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- 21 Lost Gentleman Traditions That Still Apply Today.
- 9 Dos and Don'ts of Funeral Etiquette!
What should we do? Check out smokefreeapartments. A year ago, an artist friend gave me one of her paintings. This is a touchy one. Your friend is an artist, so her professional pride will be on the line. Consider these two approaches. When the picture reappears at a later date, be sure to point that out to her, too. However, if you displayed the painting solely out of friendship and now want to deaccession it permanently, follow these steps.
If it still bothers you, give it a few months in that spot, then take it down. If your friend asks where it is, you can say you are having it professionally cleaned. A: Just about everyone has pet conversational subjects that he or she returns to again and again, though the reasons can vary. For example, you probably already know that my husband, Josh, was a foreign-exchange student in Japan during college. Then clearly you have never met him. And he does that because the trip was one of the most important formative experiences of his life.
However, when a friend compulsively revisits a sore subject—rehashing the terms of her divorce settlement, bellyaching about her weight—it means she is wrestling with something. So she talks and talks about it. While she may sound whiny or obsessive, she is probably just trying to express her underlying anxiety or fear. But even if your friend has a good reason for bringing up her favorite topic, you may not want to be held hostage to it. So try one of these strategies to get your conversations to take a different turn.
Change the dynamic by inviting a third person to join the two of you. She saw that movie I told you about. Ask your friend about the third-rail subject yourself, but encourage her to be succinct. Validate her feelings, then immediately follow up with a non sequitur. Which reminds me, have you ever thought about taking a spa vacation? You deserve it. I had no idea! How do I politely tell them that they are invading my space and need to step away? My suggestion: Tense up and jump a little, as if someone snuck up on you, and shoot a startled look over your shoulder.
Recently a friend and I shared lighthearted jokes about another couple. How do I make up with them? And what do I say to the person who betrayed the confidence? This is a real mess. And to make matters worse, it sounds as if she hung only you out to dry. Is this really the kind of friend you want?
Have a heart-to-heart with her and ask for details about how you ended up getting incriminated. More of a cultural perspective, really, but not universally true. For instance, with the Navajo and other tribes, the man always walked out of the home first and walked ahead of the woman. The thinking was enemies could ambush or on the trail and the first one shot would then be the man.
Fascinating, Byron, and I think you make a good point. But I think that again only underlines that as Paul says in I Corinthians 13, the love chapter, that love has manners. While not saying this proves cultural relativism as some define it, the underlying motive in native American culture and likewise current Western rule is the protective caring and love as is appropriate for the relationship. This love of neighbor, mate or date, would inform the man as the motive, and the circumstances determine how that protective role is expressed.
This is such a great article Kris Wolfe!! I would really like to know if the naysayers are in a healthy, loving, compassionate, loyal, etc. Not JUST a relationship, but one with these qaulities. Yeah, let that sink in for a minute. Keep the good articles coming Kris Wolfe and God Bless!!!
You smoked in bed,and you burned up! Walk beside her or slightly ahead of her on the stairs. When exiting a subway station in a crush of people, a gentleman will avert his eyes from the thighs ahead of him.
Walk on the outside of a sidewalk This allows your lady to be farther from the traffic. This way, if someone is going to be splashed, it will be you, not her. Do you have a particular book for teaching proper etiquette to young boys. How to tie a tie, wearing a hat in a building, etc.
I was taught that a man does walk behind the woman on the stairs, in his protective role, in case she stumbles. He is able to prevent her falling. I realize that that rule may have come about before the advent of the mini-skirt, and I see your rationale. As you say, a true gent could avert his eyes if that is the case. And secondly, in most cases, walking beside her would not be practical due to the often narrow width of the stairs which would make falling possible.
Or even if wide enough, if he is opposite to her as she holds the handrail, he in so many cases would not have a handrail to hold onto. So he might fall, and instinctively grab her and cause them both to fall. I am not an expert in etiquette, but I do believe that in addition to showing chivalry to the ladies, and kindness and respect to others in general, they are or should be rooted in practicalities not mere formality. Thanks, God bless.
Again, while not an expert, I would think the walk behind on stairs rule to apply regardless of whether a woman had a long skirt, due to protective role regardless. I believe they meant in the specific instances of being pervy. Example walking behind on stirs staring, or walking in front to open an umbrella in a rainstorm.
If a gentleman does this why get offended. Getting insulted at that just shows you are looking to judge him, and not see him as a caring man. At times, some women with a highly feminist mindset may find things like holding a door open for her etc. It is polite to open the door for anyone, male of female. Anyone that takes offense has issues. Let them worry about, you are the polite one. Many businesses have two sets of doors, if a person wishes, they can hold the next set for you to return the favor.
Yes, excellent article. And while I believe the not walking ahead would be generally appropriate, I seem to recall one exception. But if going to a table by themselves, the man leads the way-I suppose analogous to a true gent forging the way for the lady. Excellent traits every young man needs to know. My mom had taught me most of these before I was thirteen. She also taught me how to cook, sew, iron, do laundry, and balance a checkbook and keep a budget, among many other things.
How a man treats his mother is a good window into his general character. Well done sir. For the record, Kris, regardless of what the typical internet cretins are saying, this is a great piece with a lot of good advice. Keep it up. The only critique I would give is that the title is a bit off grammatically. Just an English nerd giving his two cents. Thanks, and good point. Hopefully I can change it after the holidays. So sorry about your uncle. My husband consistently follows every single thing on this list except one. Thank you beachmama. Still processing, and I wonder if the mourning ever goes away?
My mom taught me all of those things as well, with the exception of sewing. She has been teaching my daughter to sew kid really enjoys it which I think is very sweet. Clearly you were raised by a single mother without a man in the house. Now you are a mangina. A weak pathetic excuse for a man. Dude shut your mouth. You are the worst form of a bully and a coward, because you hide behind your keyboard and fire off insults that are neither well-founded, needed, wanted or respectable.
So keep your trap shut. I think it applies to all people. What is this, ? This list is sickening. You need my permission. A lady has respect for all people and does not use derogative terms in an attempt to show themselves better than others. THey are asking for a blessing.
To be accepted into the family. It is a show of respect to the family. Get real…. That one made me throw up in my mouth a little. If my mom was still alive, I would be honored for my future husband to honor my mother by respecting her opinion. Asking the Father for his Blessing to Marry his Daughter. You are Marrying in the Family not just to the woman. Yes we know the decision ultimately is between you two but it shows that you respect her Family. Then you are not the type of lady this type of gentleman would marry…so find one who feels as you do. Wow, such a gentleman! Maybe you should start a style blog for men too.
Being defensive of it, as you obviously are, does. If being a gentleman involves acting like a prick towards people that do not conform to highly dated social norms, then these people are getting it right! No analyzing needed. An article about manners and respect is like laying out a beautiful picnic. And then the flies arrive. I see the flies have swarmed the picnic. Agreed J-dawg… this list seems to value tradition over true respect and smacks of ingorance around the very real issues of gender inequality. The reason is quite simple, Jason.
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All of these things demonstrate that the gentleman regards the lady or the elderly or infirm not as an equal, but as a person who is worthy of greater honor than himself. Its not sexism, these are acts of respect and honor. I do these things for The elderly, Infirm, children, Women, and even my friends. Not because they are less, but because I value them as Human beings. Can any of the above actions be sexist?
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Sounds like an excuse not to be chivalrous to me. Yes, the context of that verse is marriage but it still applies where gender is concerned. Men are created differently than women for reasons many no longer acknowledge. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. Stanford the premise for your argument here is invalid, while TRUE is valid.
We know that Peter was not referring to a moral stamina, strength of character, or mental capacity, but more on the physical sense. It seems this was written as to keep away from an unhindering of Spiritual fellowship with God and one another; focusing on relationships amongst men and women and God. On the account in 1 Timothy: You have to understand the context. A major problem in the Ephesian church was a heresy that combined Gnosticism, decadent Judaism, and false asceticism.
Paul in his letter specifically in chapter 2 gave instructions on worship. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. Now we know that sexual impurity was a big problem of the church at this time. Too keep that kind of heresy out of the church? I believe it may. That happened centuries apart, Its like saying somebody endorses slavery because they voted Democrat.
This is an article about men who want to be leaders, and with courtesy, a gentleman takes the lead. Kris leadership and service to the community is well and good. Feminism in particular Radical Feminism has pretty much gone and broke the previously existing social contract. Thus if the woman no longer is obligated to be woman then the man is no longer required to a be gentleman either. In fact there are two separate movements the MRM and MGTOW that are both gaining serious momentum in large part because this social contract has been broken on almost every level.
Men can do these gentlemanly things, and women reciprocate in different ways. Obviously every relationship is different and goes on a case by case basis. That being said this is an article with an overview on gentlemanly ways. Obviously in order for a relationship to flourish it needs to be full of Love, Respect, Trust among other important things.
The big issue here especially with a lot of men that have gone MGTOW is that it has been broken or abused. And this is currently happening with family and divorce courts allowing to happen. Personally in my opinion no guy in his right mind would even consider getting married with the laws stacked against them the way they are. Nowhere in this article does it suggest that women should act in a reciprocal way towards men.
And nowhere do I need to. This is an article by a man for men. My wife has a website SheIsMore. The content of your sites does make things clearer. Is he more also? Probably not.
That site has articles like one about the secret battle of a beauty queen. That is very different in character than telling good guys how to be. This is a site about men becoming better men. Can I do better? Did you read either of the articles you referenced above? In sum, her site instills confidence in women, and GoodGuySwag. These are old fashioned customs that the writer and many others consider a sign of respect when somebody offers them in contemporary times. The implication was that making a claim that advising men to be selfless and giving of themselves is somehow sexist is an excuse not to be chivalrous.
Beyond that, your basically admitting to being susceptible to social controls, specifically deigned to inhibit individual thought. The execution is what really determines the polarity. So I guess all these words are sexist as well, depicting men as mentally unstable, diseased, and akin to feces and sewers? Sometimes a series of 3 letters in a word is just that. Manners are, for the most part, not gender specific and apply to both sides of the fence. I know I for one and many others I know do not operate that way, but when society has grown to accept these things as a gesture of respect, we have those in our toolbox to use as such.
But sure, you go ahead and shirk politeness and decency if it makes you feel all subversive and cool. Personally, as long as the behavior is not detrimental to me or anyone else, I consider them all useful tools to be employed when appropriate for the sake of communication. A real man or woman can show their individuality without having to sacrifice and disrespect even the parts of societal convention that are useful and help us coexist.
If anything, it makes the control far move covert if when you actually do think about it, you tell yourself it is your choice. Even if you know you can quit, the fact that it seems harmless, or is so readily available is ultimately what makes it a challenge to stop.
You lower the intelligence of the Internet. You talk a lot about roots but obliviously have no command of the English language. You are just trying to justify your slobbing and uncouth behavior. Straight to personal attacks, well done. As I said, I do things of this nature in a thoughtful respect. Oh it has taken quit a bit of reading of your responses on this board to recognize your delusional Ideas of Chivalric behavior. What pushed me over was you lazy argument on the makeup of the word. Blame my English teacher mother. You call it misogynist when the intentions clearly are not. You cause people to justify themselves just because they want to be good Men and making them feel bad for showing courteous behavior.
That I find deplorable. Most people just do what they are taught, or what they are told without thinking about it. Chivalry is the original for m of feminism. Men are disposable and Women are much more valuable which is clearly indicated by this load of sexist claptrap. I agree, i can easily handle myself. However I like the extra moment my husband takes to do some of these things.
They are now old enough to decide for themselves what is and is not appropiate, in their treatment of others female or male. I dont think the blog was meant to direct any ones behavior, but simply to highlight the change in society over the past years. LOL, some have taken this blog as a personal affront to their charecter. If it angers you, and clearly it has some, click out. I think you can offer these things with that attitude — as long as it comes from that place of respect and service rather than overbearing control.
The marriage thing is a good example. Women today are nowhere near the way they were when any of this stuff was applicable and common place. Do that now and the woman will walk all over you. Well, there is a difference between being classy and being a wimp that gets walked all over by women.
That said though, a few of the suggestions in the article would make you look like a buffoon if practiced in non-formal settings. Context is key, which is what this article is missing. Just wanted to argue right? End of story. He treats me as an equal and still does most of the stuff on that list for me. The catch is, I do a lot of it for him too. We love and respect each other. I see HIM as a person who is worthy of greater honor than myself…and he views ME as a person in the same way. We are always on equal ground. I think the meaning of this gesture has shifted over the years, but still has a place.
Why not suggest that a man first ask a woman to marry him, and if she says yes, THEN ask for her parents not just fathers, because fathers do NOT own their daughters blessing to join the family? Not a sign of disrespect towards you. But if a man asks the father with the intent of asking for permission because he thinks she is a piece of property and thinks of her as lesser than him, then no that is not respectful or courteous.
And that is the problem Len Pine. Most of the women I know agree. That totally makes sense. So basic. Men who get this and do this are adored by women. You have simply never heard what being a gentleman was actually about. Think about the word. If someone is physically weaker than you for any reason at all, instead of dominating that person, you show service to that person instead, to level the playing field. You lovingly serve, rather than dominate, with your physical advantages. Has chivalry and the concept of gentleman been twisted and abused at times? But where it came from is as modern a value as any — peace, coexistence, and goodness to others, even when — no, especially when — you might be able to rule them with your physical strength.
Nail, head. I was raised as a southern gentleman of the old school. Which means that, aside from 20 and 21, all of these apply to women, the elderly or infirm, those in difficulty, etc. Any woman who hits me first has lost any special status she may have had, unless I really deserved it.
Respect the individual above all else. Yes, even if someone hit you first, learn to be a better person and walk away. This is how it works. A woman hits you in the face. For her part, she might be drunk or mad at you about something. After she hits you in the face, you just turn and walk away. And real men are never angry or violent—no matter what a woman does. Valid point, well made, if a bit on the trollish side. Despite that, your question deserves a well thought out answer, which I will now provide.
A bit of background first. I am in my mid 30s. I have bipolar disorder, which I have spent years in therapy to control. I take medication daily. I consider myself a follower of the Buddha, if not exactly a Buddhist. I believe in many of the teachings and ways of Buddhism, but without a lot of the trappings around it.
I have also had, over the years, a LOT of martial arts experience. During my years of therapy, and also because I love it, I studied a number of different styles. Because I was not healthy during that time, I never stuck with any of them for very long. This makes my experience broad, not deep. I have also spent a considerable amount of time studying military strategy and tactics, though I have never been trained as a professional soldier or peace officer. I also have had some significant experience with physical violence. When I was young, before I was diagnosed, my manic phases manifested as an irrational and violent temper.
I got into many fights, some of which I started, some of which I was forced into. Sometimes it is impossible to escape physical conflict. There are times where violence is thrust upon you whether you like it or not, and there are no ways to escape it. If violence is forced upon me, I will respond in the most effective way possible. Because I have experienced violent conflict, because I am a Buddhist and because I HAVE had anger issues and have absolutely no wish to revisit that time of my life, that is what I will do.
If someone hits me first, I will act to de-escalate the situation. Sometimes you have to act in the defense of others. I will take a punch and try to talk through it. If someone takes a swing at my friends, I will act to restrain them from doing it again if necessary and de-escalate from there. In Sunday school it is the put yourself third rule. God first, others second, and yourself third.
I see nothing here implying NOT treating them as an equal, either. This is an article about manners, not about gender politics. Wrong, it is an article about both of those things. This article is stupid. Let someone write an article telling modern women how to act like a lady and watch the shit hit the fan for days. Anyone who actually judges people based on their conformity to this mostly arbitrary bullshit deserves to get repeatedly slapped in the face with a glove. Most if it is just common sense that anyone who actually cares for a girl would do anyway.
Waiting to sit until every woman sits? Walking on the outside of the walk? Some of this is just stuff people should do for other people. How about this: decent people should treat other people with respect and kindness no matter their gender. I especially have problems with 8, 12, and People can generally be trusted to put on and take off their own clothes thank you very much. Finally 21 really pisses me off. Her father has absolutely no fucking say in what she does or who she marries after she leaves home.
This tradition comes from a time when women were considered property and the father was transferring ownership of her. In a modern, enlightened society this is bullshit. Have you bothered to read the reasoning for asking the family for a blessing. Are you stupid? Your gutter mouth in this thread already shows a lack of civility.
If you think by spraying profanity we are intimidated…. Your Jedi mind tricks only work on the weak minded. What do wanting to get along with your future in-laws have to do with gender in the first place? She is certainly entitled and free to ask for their blessing. Since the man is initiating the marriage proposal it seems fitting for him to ask for her parents blessing. I would hope he has already discussed his plans with his parents so there should be no surprise.
These are ideal actions. Not always possible but, I believe, the ideal way to move forward in a potential marriage. Here, I believe, we are saying that it is about asking for the blessing of the family. If they do not approve….. SO in the end.. She has the power. It is clearly an empty gesture. NONE of this article, in any way, tells women how to act. How the woman acts along with that is a seperate issue for a seperate article on a seperate site. Why should a man ask is a valid question. My answer would be that I personally would most likely do it as a sign of respect.
Nobody said whether women should or not. Apparently you live in the wrong century. The last one is plainly ridiculous, are you going to pay her dad for her hand in marriage with a horse, a couple of sheep etc. She is not a chattel. What happens to being equal? Looks to me with rules like this woman are still inferior week and frail with no mind.
This is , get with the program woman want to be treated as equals and just like men from pay to status. Not weak, not frail, not even close. Deserving of respect, absolutely. I respect both men and women equally, I just express it differently for each. It is important to note, that me having respect for you, and me treating you respectfully, are two very different things. I treat everyone with respect. That is how I was raised.
But for me to respect you, to admire you, that is a state of mind and for men that has to be earned, for women it is a given until they prove through their actions it is undeserved. And even when someone, male or female, loses my respect, I will still treat them respectfully. Understand, I view everyone as being socially equal, all on a level playing field.
I follow the practices outlined on this list because I was taught to treat women with respect. We should be paid the same, be able to hold the same jobs, in other words, be socially equal, but that does not mean that I wont treat women with respect different from that I show to men. This capacity for diversity is why I believe we should have equal opportunities.
I guess my point is, that being equal socially does not mean we are exactly the same. There are inherent differences between men and women. And until that changes, I am still going to treat women like they are special, because they are. Life would suck without them, and I appreciate the women in my life more than anything. So I will treat them with the gratitude and respect they deserve.
This is not sad it means that women are seeing themselves as equal and eventually chauvinists like you are going to have to either accept that or die off. The original point of chivalry was to try to create an even social playing field despite the obvious and non-deniable reality that the vast majority of women are physically weaker than the vast majority of healthy men.
Think about it — life could really suck if you were born with no legs and no one ever tried to accommodate you or level the playing field so you could participate equally in society. I am more than happy to make my life a little more inconvenient parking further away, disrupting architecture with wheelchair ramps, I am sure you can think of better examples so that those with any kind of physical or mental disability can participate more fully in society … to level the playing field, since neither of us had anything to do with the physical status we were born with.
Being a chauvinist using strength to lord it over women is exactly the opposite from being a chivalrous man. Both are ways of recognizing the duh! By the way, this applies to all who are obviously physically weaker — handicapped, very young, old, parents to their children, etc. Laughing is not the point. The point is not being obnoxious and overbearing.
Of course you can laugh. The idea is that a respectful and considerate person will avoid seeming to demand attention. That said, this also takes into account your company. If your friends are boisterous, then it stands to reason that you will behave in like manner. However, that should not be your default, because most of society does not reflect it. In most situations, a reserved individual will be better received than an obnoxious one.
In the end, we did get their blessing, because they saw factors such as the very maturity that sought to receive the blessing and weigh it. The father gets the yea or nay, and that tradition dates back to when a woman was not her own person. Chivalry is dead and so it should be. It has nothing to do with being a gentleman. Women are equals not princesses on pedestals. So being attentive matters. Great list. Great reminder. Traditional gentlemanly behavior towards ladies is NOT because they are being thought of as weak, but because they are being honored and respected. Yes men were chivalrous and were demonized as patriarchal oppressors because of it.
Then we stopped caring. More absurdly inaccurate psychoanalysis from clueless internet commenters. Sorry, but I have the self respect to know that I can be treated like an equal without falling to pieces. Others were completely ridiculous relics meant to round out a poorly-conceived fluff piece. The way they were presented was the part that really stank. Have fun being high maintenance — some men like that because it gives them an easy way to feel more masculine. Thank you very much to the author. I made my personal review and my wife can say if I am passed on that.
So why is it that each tradition is titled in a way that clearly involves consideration of a female? Everybody IS selectively nice. Naturally someone will be nicer to somebody they are interested in, dating, etc. What does any of that have to do with what Nobody Important the guy I replied to said?
He seemed to be implying people in the comments see being nice as being insulting, which is incorrect.